I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
