best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
