so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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