my phone needs a breathalizer
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
