A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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