i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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