Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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