i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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