So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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