Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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