I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
