I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
