i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
