He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
