i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
