just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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