She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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