Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
