i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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