Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
