He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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