I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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