i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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