I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
