I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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