accomplished twins. life is a go
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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