they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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