we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
