wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
