She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Houston, we have a squirter
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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