The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
