You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My vagina just recognized that song.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
