I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The air taste purple.
Randomize
