I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
