Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have demons in me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
