Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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