My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
