I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
