Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
