God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
