i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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