Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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