We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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