five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
