ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
