I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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