Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
