We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
