i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think I have vodka in my lungs
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
