I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
