let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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