They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
