It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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